Within, Without

Sometimes my greatest problem is that I know myself too well.  I torture myself with my faults and break my own heart with my mistakes.  I look at the people who hurt me and wonder why the hell I still love them despite the pain they inflicted…  And I hope that they are okay, that they are happy, that they learned the lessons that they needed to learn and moved into better things.  I should still be completely livid, and parts of me definitely are livid, reeling even, from betrayals and galling inflictions, but that heart of mine, oh she likes to love.  She loves too much, too well, too easily.  Sometimes she gets me into a lot of trouble, especially when she goes to war with my brain.  My vengeful, anxiety-ridden, depressed and manic and easily worked up brain.  So my brain absorbs the hell of pain in my interactions with other people, and my heart absorbs the shock of love turned against me.  And for some reason, my heart finds it easier to push the hurt away and can refill herself with love.  I’m never sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  But I think I have learned to keep certain people at a distance, despite how much I love them.  I have also learned that trust is very hard to keep with people who don’t know the true meaning of it.  Those who say they do can sometimes act like they do, when they actually don’t.  I have definitely earned my fair share of karma, and I have certainly been paid my share.  But sometimes we really have to work WITH karma to make sure that we are doing our part.  We all have roles in this world, roles in this life, and lots of us go into roles completely opposite what we are meant to be doing…  Which is what causes us so much fucking pain.  And we are constantly keeping up relationships with toxic people, letting them put the virus of self abuse inside our minds by gaslighting and narcissistic, controlling emotional abuse.  Their outside abuse turns our minds into sludge, and infects us as we begin to abuse ourselves.  We do not know how to fend this virus off.  We do not know how to cure it.  We have no idea what we are doing to ourselves the majority of the time, because these toxic people have given us the nastiest gift that keeps on giving:  Self doubt combined with self hatred.  If they do not love us, why should we love ourselves? That rings in the center of our own little hell as true…  It is what they want us to think.  Whether they are lovers or friends, they are the enemy.  I cannot express how many times I have personally encountered these kinds of people.  But I try so very hard to remember that I am who I am because I made myself this way…  So when the pain hits and I find myself having to walk away from someone who hurt me, despite the mental torture, I feel great pride in myself.  Knowing that I have torn the self abuse away from my heart, knowing that I can recognize the difference between love and cleverly disguised abuse, knowing that I am worth far more than such treatment…  That means more to me than a lot of people will ever know.  I trust very few.  I love quite a lot.  I have learned not to confuse trust and love, because unfortunately, they are not equal, at least not all of the time.  My world has been very carefully tended lately, and that’s for a very, very good reason.  I do allow new people in.  I do my best to trust until trust is abused just the tiniest bit, and then I relinquish my trust.  I control what goes on within, since I cannot control what goes on without.  And if the two mesh, they mesh.  If they do not, they do not.  Lesson learned.  Pain comes and it goes.  All we can do as human beings is control how we react to it.  Pain in reaction to pain does not work.  We need to learn to rise above it, deal with it in healthy ways and move on.  It just takes some of us longer to learn how.

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Every Road Is An Altar

Chase the music down the dark road
until it turns the dark to light
ill spoken words are a heavy load
and I carry it easier after midnight
chasing spirits into the misty wood
I hear their voices calling my soul
I’d make it stop hurting if only I could
but so many things are out of my control

The mist is clearer at night
lets me slip out of sight
and though I fear that I will falter
I know every road is an altar

Found a smooth stone by a river
lit a candle under the moon
spoke a word and felt so clever
in no time at all I had my boon
found a spiral in city center
walked its curves and felt its smile
goddess knows I’m on a bender
of energy that pushes me the final mile

The mist is clearer at night
lets me slip out of sight
and though I fear that I will falter
I know every road is an altar

Sweet moon, hear me now
caress me, send your love down
sweet moon, let me near you now
as long as you’re here I am always found

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