There has been a question people have asked me many times and I despise it, but feel overly pressured to answer it: What do you look for in a man? This question prompts me to roll my eyes and feel that sense of being fully misunderstood, yet I cannot expect the person asking it, especially if I have just met this person, to know that I am pansexual and polyamorous, not straight and narrow at all. How can this person know who I truly am? If I were to allow that person access to every self I have ever found, could they accept me? I am not a light and fluffy, calm and sweet, tailored to fit the measurements required of me by society lady. I am dark and stormy, cloudy, luminescent like the Moon. I am a fighter, a warrior queen, a battle goddess. I do not take kindly to weakness, because this world is tougher than anyone will ever willingly see. I am rough and tumble, not afraid to get dirty, and I wield more power than anyone sees day to day. I will not allow anyone to take that power from me, either. I do not take disrespect or intolerance. I am an equal-opportunity ass-kicker. If you expect me to be the girl who sits pretty in your parlor and plays the piano, you may go fuck yourself, please. I am polite but I am also blunt as hell, and you will not change me. New folks who are not used to this will balk at my rough exterior and interior, but they will not get the reaction from me they want. I do not aim to please. I do not shrink to fit. I do not kowtow to those who believe themselves higher than me on any kind of food chain. We all die. We all end up in them piney boxes. Please shut up, I am talking. You asked me a question, and I think you believed it a simple one. Perhaps in a former version of myself, in another life, I would have agreed with you. But nothing in life is simple, and I am a rare bitch, so this will be harder an answer than you expected. What do I look for in a man? Firstly, let’s rephrase that. What do I look for in a partner? I look for the compassion to love, of course, but I also look for the responsibility that comes with that love. Do you understand that I will never be your expectation? Can you love me for the insanity whirlwind that I am? Do you want the idea of me or the reality of me? Do you have the balls to deal with my mood swings, my anxiety, my randomness? I look for someone who has more balls than I do, or at least equal balls. I will never expect that person to change for me, and I expect the same courtesy back. But challenge me, challenge my mind, speak my fucking love language and never hold back. Cry in front of me if you feel like crying, and speak the fuck up if you have something to fucking say to me. If I am silent, remember I’m usually silent because I’m spiritually awake and aware and likely tuning into something I’m sensing, so don’t worry too much, because if I am angry at you, trust me love, you will know it. I’m not silent about my feelings. I fight until I see a reason to stop fighting. If I stop fighting, I’m done. I will not tolerate you forcing anything on me, and I will not tolerate a one-sided relationship. I can smell bullshit miles away, I can sense it when you’re lying, and there is absolutely not a damn thing you can hide from me, so please don’t even try. I’ve been abused, I’ve seen some shit, and I’ve learned a lot. I’m the girl you think you can play with, but darlin’, please, I invented this game and I will show you how to play by example. Don’t mess with me. So when I am asked what I look for in a man, I just smile politely and let my silence speak for me. There is genuinely no answering this question. You don’t want the long answer. You want me to say I want a man with nice eyes and a caring heart and a fat wallet. No, no, no. I want SOMEONE, man, woman, transgender, genderfluid, gender nonconforming, I don’t care, SOMEONE who can take me as I am and raise me up to becoming a better version of who I am, and who is open to me doing the same for them. Because I am unconventional in love and out of love, and if you cannot roll with the punches then you and I will not be right for each other. If you cannot handle my falling in and out of love all the time, being polyamorous, then you’re definitely not right for me. I need someone who understands. It isn’t that you aren’t enough for me, it’s that love isn’t a bird that can be caged. I am not a bird that can be caged. If you try to force me to stop flying, I will use the talons the Goddess gave me and slit your fucking throat. I am dangerous, I am danger, I know my worth and I know myself well. If you do not have the patience, the will and the wish to know me as intimately, then please move along. I won’t judge you, trust me. Hell, maybe we can be friends. I am highly aware I am not for everyone. I am also very okay with this. I don’t want to be for everyone. I have a tribe, a coven, a wolf-pack, who love me despite my manias and my craziness. Who love me despite my hasty trigger finger, my hexing, my vexing, ranting, raving, unholy bitchiness. Who love me BECAUSE of these things. I need SOMEONE who can run with my pack, conjure with my coven, dance with my tribe. I need SOMEONE who is in tune with their bodies, their minds, their souls, their hearts, their Selves, their spirituality. I need SOMEONE who can run with me, because boy how-dee baby, can I run. I also need SOMEONE who won’t put the MANIAC in NYMPHOMANIAC. I am a nympho, darlin’ and if you can’t give me what I need you’ll met the Maniac. You’ll especially meet the Maniac if you pretend that you can keep up with me and prove otherwise. I despise liars with such a fiery passion that it burns deep in my belly. You lie, you break my trust, and if you break my trust, you become the shunned in my eyes. Never fuck me over. If you fuck me over, you are well and truly fucked. I know how to make you suffer without lifting a finger. I am an enigma of strength and fire. If you think you can do this dance, then try. Go ahead. You won’t lose a thing, except maybe your dignity if you think you can try to play me. But don’t ask me what I look for in a man, dear, because unless you really care, you’ll regret it.
WRNRW on Snapchat!