I feel like I’m adrift again, but this feeling is not new, nor will it ever be new – and I’ve a feeling it won’t grow old, either. There are certain states I find myself in that are extremely confusing even to me, even when deep down I understand them. They come from nowhere – heightened states of anxiety paired with a deep depression I cannot shake and mood swings that somehow dance around the depression and anxiety. So one moment I am laughing and the next I am crying. And floating. Floating in my mind. I’m not quite rooted in my body and yet I cannot find my way out of the ether. Sometimes I wake from such states and am alarmed because I am driving or doing something else I should pay close attention to. Sometimes I can compare it to the state of trance, meditation-induced and fueled by incense and candlelight, because it has the same quality of sight and yet takes you so very far away from the reality you are supposed to be facing day to day.
My main problem when it comes to this little will o’ the wisp that I become in these states is that I literally shut out the world. I forget to ground, I forget to meditate, I forget to read, to write, to work, to do everything I’m supposed to do in my life. I am completely disconnected from my sensual, sexual side; I cannot think straight. I feel so broken and disconnected that I feel almost completely hopeless. And yet… Some days… Some nights… I feel it deep in my bones… That I am going to be all right.
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